4 AM Math Is The Worst Kind Of Math
On free fall, uncertainty, and somehow coming into yourself at the exact same time
If you've ever lain awake doing the kind of arithmetic that has no good answer, this one's for you.
You wake up at 4 AM and your brain immediately starts running the numbers.
Husband out of work since August. Turning 50 this year. Son graduating. Twenty fifth wedding anniversary in September. Two 401ks cashed out because we have run out of money.
Yeah. That.
I didn’t really go back to sleep.
The Free Fall
I’m in one of those periods where everything feels like it’s grinding toward some kind of explosion. The economy. The country. Health insurance. Friendships. The general vibe of the entire planet. I’ve been watching Paradise on Hulu. Great show. Feels uncomfortably close to current events. Anyway.
I wrote this quote in my notes recently and keep coming back to it:
“Certainty is mindless. Uncertainty is the rule, not the exception.” — Ellen Langer
Which is either deeply comforting or deeply unhelpful depending on what time it is and whether I’ve eaten.
I have thought recently about whether my kids will live out their full lifetimes. God, that’s dark. I know. But the thought exists and I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t. Something about naming the darkest fear out loud makes it slightly less powerful. Slightly.
Oh, I also just forgot how to spell tsunami and had to look it up. So there’s that.
The Other Thing
What’s strange and true at the same time: I am also, somehow, really coming into myself this year. Editing down my life to find what and who and where actually matters. Growing in ways I couldn’t have anticipated when all of this started.
Both things are real. The free fall and the becoming. They’re happening simultaneously and I’ve stopped trying to resolve that contradiction.
I’m just trying to keep my head above water. That’s why I write. Tomorrow will be better.
P.S. Tomorrow wasn’t better. Because no sleep. But the day after that was. Things get better. Things get worse. Certainty is mindless. Uncertainty is the rule, not the exception. Still here.
My Current Obsessions A little treat for making it to the end.
📺 Watching: Paradise on Hulu. Unsettling. Excellent. Highly recommend if you enjoy feeling vaguely prophetic.
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