The Chip On My Shoulder About Friendship (And Why I Can't Quite Put It Down)
On letting go, being let go of, and the exhausting arithmetic of one-sided relationships
If you've ever played out an imaginary confrontation in your head with someone who will never actually call you, this one's for you.
Lately I’ve been carrying a chip on my shoulder about friendships. Not just the ones that faded quietly, but the ones I’ve had to consciously move away from. Or the people who are consciously moving away from me.
Ouch.
Moving on isn’t as liberating as it sounds. Not when you have people-pleasing tendencies like mine. Sorry, am I talking too much? Classic people pleaser. That’s just my way of overcompensating when I think I’m in trouble.
What I can’t shake is this nagging feeling that so many people just aren’t interested in trying anymore. Like the collective energy of the world has shrugged its shoulders and said yeah, I’m not that into real life connections right now. Thanks anyway.
The Scenarios I Write In My Head
I’ve had a few friendships I’ve had to walk away from and the process was messy in my head even if it was quiet in real life. I’d find myself playing out elaborate scenarios where I run into these people and we have some dramatic confrontation where I, of course, take responsibility for everything. Because that’s just how I roll.
There was one actual confrontation worth mentioning. A friend’s husband sent me a midnight bullet-pointed text analysis of why I was wrong about the Flint Michigan water crisis. On a Saturday. It ended the friendship. And while it left me feeling vaguely violated, who does that, at least the outcome was clear. We should not be friends. Closure achieved.
But most of the time it’s not so clear.
The Bar You Develop At 50
There’s this weird thing that happens as you approach 50. Not surprising exactly, but somehow it still catches you off guard. You start to develop a bar. A line for what you will and won’t tolerate. You feel it in your bones. This is not good for me. This will not extend my life in a useful way. And a quiet sense of unease whispers yeah, we shouldn’t do this.
At first that feels empowering. Until it hits up against culture.
You get confused, torn between being someone who stands up for what’s right and someone who doesn’t make too big a deal out of things. The middle way is probably best but in these cases middle ground often feels like avoiding the truth. And I’m trying to take more authority over my life right now. Professionally and personally.
But there’s a price. I move through my fairly small town knowing there are people who see me as the one who dropped the friendship, as if they had nothing to do with it.
This is the cost of being more awake. And yes I get that might sound elitist. But I’ve worked hard on my awakening. So part of me thinks you don’t know what you’re missing. I’m a good friend and you’re missing out.
And then I pause.
Because I know I’m not for everyone. I get excited easily. I have opinions. I insist that people try in life. And that apparently is too much for some people.
They could have told me that. Some people have. And while my first instinct is to get defensive, I usually calm down, take a breath, and try to self-correct. Which for me usually means shutting up.
The Thing About One-Sided Friendships
I snap out of the imaginary confrontation and think: wait. They could have called me too.
But they didn’t. And they won’t. That’s the thing about these friendships. They’ve always been one-sided in some way. The friend who never plans anything. The one who only reciprocates if you extend the branch first. The one who can’t engage unless there’s gossip to stir. These relationships always leave you doing the heavy lifting.
And then there are the mean ones. The ones who’ve been around since your younger years, coasting on shared history but offering little else. At a certain point you realize: you’re kind of a bully. You make me feel bad about myself. Why am I still here?
I didn’t say it out loud. I didn’t have to. They weren’t going to call anyway. Because they’re not the kind of people who self-reflect. They weren’t going to wake up one morning and think maybe I’ve been unkind. Maybe I should reach out.
And that’s when the voices on my shoulders start.
One says: be the bigger person. Go fix this. Extend the olive branch.
The other fires back: why should you? Why can’t they try harder?
Well. Because they don’t want to. We’re all too busy. Hyper-organized, compulsively checking dings and swipes, grocery shopping online, barely finding time to answer a text let alone grab coffee and have an actual conversation.
And round and round it goes.
I’m not sure how this all works out. I hope it gets better as I eventually exit the child-rearing years. When hopefully people calm their stuff down and I can find like-minded souls who are funny, engaging, and actually want a relationship with a human being.
Until then I’m putting the chip down.
Mostly.
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